Esperanza

Dear Grandpa,

I struggled to come to terms to write about you here in Spain. I didn’t wish to talk about something that hurt so much and that was so personal. I came to the realization that it is now part of my story and it is very much relevant to my time here in Sevilla.

Although we all knew it could happen while I was gone, I secretly hoped to visit you once more when I returned. I’m sorry I couldn’t get to the states with everyone else. I long to be with them in the house in Louisville, even if it were for just a few hours. It has been really hard to be without everyone, and even harder to mourn without them. Everyone here has been very kind to me here in Spain, its just not the same and sitting with Mom and Grandma and hugging them. I yearn to be with someone who knew you; just to talk about you for a minute, just have someone else. Everyone in Louisville is busy, and it is difficult to line up times to talk. They’re emotionally drained from everything and I’m seeking their comfort from across the ocean. Not exactly the easiest to coordinate.

I still find myself with my breath caught in my throat thinking you aren’t there anymore. You aren’t watching Big Bang Theory or eating Mini Hersey’s or listening to your iPod. And it’s so hard to believe because I can easily conjure up the sound of you hollering my name as if you are in the next room. 

I’ve put a little memorial of you here in Sevilla. There is a bridge that goes into Triana, another neighborhood in the city. It crosses over the Guadaquivir and there is the most wonderful view of the sun rising over the cathedral every morning. On the bridge, there are locks with names and dates. Those locks represent the esperanza of the people who put them there. In Spanish, the verb esperar means, to hope, to wish and to want. It felt appropriate to leave a lock there with your initials, showing I hope you are doing okay, I wish to hear your voice again and I want nothing more but to let you know I’m thinking about you everyday. I know that I would not be here in Sevilla without your love and support. I can't thank you and Grandma enough. I love you so much Grandpa.

Hasta que nos veamos de nuevo

XOXO